


clean slates and other things with clauses

by falsemurmur



Category: Chuck - Fandom
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-18
Updated: 2009-12-18
Packaged: 2017-10-04 12:34:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/falsemurmur/pseuds/falsemurmur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>Being recruited, taken in for professional training, away from a life composed of criminal jobs to a life dedicated to trapping criminals, it was her chance at a clean slate, so said Director Graham. </em></p>
            </blockquote>





	clean slates and other things with clauses

**Author's Note:**

> basically i got the urge to write a few things leading up Sarah Walker acquiring the alias of well, Sarah Walker. I didn't necessarily write a lot of back-story, as I just wanted to give bits and pieces, because that's more than we usually get of her. anyway, enjoy.

  
  
  
**Entry tags:**|   
[character-centric: sarah walker](http://community.livejournal.com/wings_for_craft/tag/character-centric:+sarah+walker), [tv: chuck](http://community.livejournal.com/wings_for_craft/tag/tv:+chuck), [type: oneshot](http://community.livejournal.com/wings_for_craft/tag/type:+oneshot)  
  
---|---  
  
_**clean slates and other things with clauses**_  
**title:** clean slates and other things with clauses  
**fandom:** Chuck  
**summary: **_Being recruited, taken in for professional training, away from a life composed of criminal jobs to a life dedicated to trapping criminals, it was her chance at a clean slate, so said Director Graham. _  
**character(s)/pairing(s): **Sarah Walker (mentions of her father, minor Sarah/Bryce, Sarah/Chuck)  
**genre:** Angst/General  
**rating:** pg  
**note: **basically i got the urge to write a few things leading up Sarah Walker acquiring the alias of well, Sarah Walker. I didn't necessarily write a lot of back-story, as I just wanted to give bits and pieces, because that's more than we usually get of her. anyway, enjoy. (also, this fic has parenthesis, although not many, b/c a particular someone seems to like them. ;)

~*~  
This wasn’t a game, this was life.

It wasn’t the first lesson, but one of the first in a long line of lessons regarding the life her father _had_ to lead, definitely. There was no room for mistakes, much less laziness or anything of the sort--get the job done, because _it is your life on line._

*

She had always been aware that other people did not quite function in the same manner she and her father did. If she had not been aware, she would not have been a very good partner to her dad. Reading people was essential, and as such, she could note that these games she played were different than those other children played with their own parents.

Still, it wasn’t until she was nine, when after seven weeks she was changing schools once more, and a boy from her classroom told her “my mommy moves me around schools, too. I thought I was the only one” that she realized the life she was leading was not normal. And that boy from her classroom may have found someone who, like her, moved around a bit, but she was yet to find anyone or anything to convey that she wasn’t the only kid who lived the way she did.

*

Not too often, but once in awhile, there would be a boy. Sometimes the object of everyone’s affection, other times invisible but visible enough, these boys would make her wonder if they could see her. Not the girl with a strange father, not the girl with a secretive and yet tight smile, not the girl who only drew a word when necessary, and not the girl who maneuvered around the hallways as though she were hiding something behind her back. But rather, the girl who had a brain, the girl who liked to act goof off and laugh at small things, the girl who knew how to stand up for herself, and the girl even she had yet to discover.

But time would pass, as would any thoughts of whatever particular boy managed to make her heart pace just a tad faster, and she’d move on before she moved away from whatever school or neighborhood she was temporarily in. Everything was temporary, and there was no time to dwell on this fact.

*

Every Thursday night for seven years, she and her father would sit down at a table and share a pizza.

The first time he missed it, after two years of this unspoken tradition, she feared the worse. She left the box unopened, and the pizza turned cold as she traced her father’s steps, attempting to locate him. She ran and ran and ran, keeping herself from being seen and yet garnering attention, until, tired physically and even emotionally, she went back to that table, hoping somehow her father had been there, right beneath her nose. Sure enough, she found him leaning against a counter, putting a plate with a few slices of pizza into the microwave. She sighed, cursed, and he said “watch that tongue” and she threw her arms around him, stuffed her face into the corner of his arms, until the microwave beeped, and he took out the pizza slices and both father and daughter sat down to eat their pizza.

It was never completely steady--he would go on to miss some more Thursday nights, and eventually she would as well, because hell, a con never goes completely according to plan, but as far as their lives went, it was as about steady and constant as they could ever hope to get.

*

She supposed that in another lifetime, it would have been nice to be Jenny. Or Rebecca, or Katie, or Amanda, or Nicky.

Still, on too many levels she felt embarrassed for these girls, sad almost. They were weak and unmemorable. She was never Jenny or any of those other girls, and perhaps the reason she could never think of herself as them was because otherwise, she’d be pitying herself, but mostly, in the end, she had to remember that before any of them, she was herself.

*

At 17, she watched her father get arrested. She sat in her car, eyes turning red, cheeks getting flushed, hands trembling, head lost, unsure as to what to do. And then she remembered that it was all about action--you can’t sit on your hands, you can’t wait for others to come to you, you can’t expect someone to rescue you.

This led her to a box which led to a Director Graham, which led to the CIA, and every way, Graham tried to make her believe the CIA would rescue her, but she just as him knew better. The CIA wanted her because she would be valuable to them (better to make her the ally rather than the enemy, better to have someone good on their side), and despite some resentment toward this authority figure, she knew taking on _Sarah Walker _would be to her advantage. She was a smart girl after all.

*

Being recruited, taken in for professional training, away from a life composed of criminal jobs to a life dedicated to trapping criminals, it was her chance at a clean slate, so said Director Graham.

But it wasn’t a clean slate. There are no clean slates in life. No such opportunities. Everything is tainted, painted with even a little history, a reminder of what to do, what not to do. Every opportunity has its clause. It doesn’t take away the chance to be more, do something, be someone new for yourself, though, and that’s what matters anyway.

Or so it should, but every once in awhile when it is just her alone in a room, empty of knives, guns, security cameras, and aliases, she’ll remember her father and all that she owes and does _not_ owe to him. It was funny really, almost ironic, some would say simply fateful, destiny’s call and all, that her father would teach her about lying, stealing, surviving a life of crime. All those lessons would go on to be her primary tools to live the life of a CIA agent. And despite all of the “professional” training by seasoned agents and whatnot, nothing quite compared to the realities she learned with her father and consequently, how to move on despite those realities. Now her father was on the run from the CIA--from her, literally.

(There are these small moments, so small they fall more into the state of memories that feel more like uncontrollable nighttime dreams: a sweet 16, a dance with her father, disagreements over short skirts, bringing home a boy. But mostly, she knows she lived something unique, had a bond so unlike others with her father, and yet, stronger than most. And she always thought her father to be the only exception, but eventually she goes on through these _near dreams_ over a person other than her father.)

*

She was accustomed to a fast-paced life, so it was different than when she was younger and maybe even less innocent, but still, men came and went and there was nothing wrong with that.

Bryce was her partner, and even when they spent days wrapped up in each other, come the hour of a mission, it was all efficiency, business, focus, and lives on the line. Even when they spent days wrapped up in each other, it was a part of a constant. It was only when she somehow forgot that things were always temporary that she slipped. Bryce was a traitor, and she felt lost and she hated Sarah Walker, abhorred her. But lives were still on the line, so she took her next mission and that was that. No time to resent Bryce Larkin, no time to mourn his death. It was on to her next assignment, Chuck Bartowski.

*

Sometimes she envies Sarah Walker. Sarah Walker has a good boyfriend whose family adores her, as does he, and some questionable, but loyal friends. Sarah Walker has a small job, but aside from the obligatory frustrating customers, it’s simple and easy.

Still, Sarah Walker is just a cover, and although she loves her boyfriend, Sarah Walker will have to leave without a single fingerprint to mark the life she’s momentarily lived.

In the end, Chuck Bartowski is just another in a line of men she’s considered a partner, and although she will respect him for the good he has done, as she has respected those before him, she will move on.

(Clearly easier said than done, as it's remained difficult to move on from the hope of being free to be with her father, as admittedly Bryce Larkin has somewhat left a mark on her, and as she will always be thankful for the freedoms from the CIA and even Sarah, Chuck Bartowski has introduced her to.)


End file.
